Greetings once again from The Princess Consort. My lovely bride, whom you all know as The Preppy Princess, is carboloading for her Black Friday Mission. She has asked me to share some gentlemanly thoughts. Instead, I thought I’d wander down a different road.
Let’s discuss the turkey many of you are going to attempt to cook for your friends and/or family. I would hope you bought a fresh bird. Frozen turkey bears a depressing resemblance to a large white rock. It can break your foot if you drop it while struggling to get it into your house. If you are going to go the frozen route be sure to thaw it for about six days before attempting to cook the frigid beast. Set your oven for about 700 degrees and cook that bird for about 14 hours. All risk of botulism should be removed once cooking is completed.
Another option is to deep-fry your turkey. This is always enjoyable because you add the risk of burning down your house/garage. I found some delightful tips on deep-frying a turkey, including the memorable recommendation to keep a fire extinguisher nearby. That, my friends, is a tip you can use anytime you are cooking.
Now the cooking is done and you’re ready to present your burnt offering at the table for the traditional carving. Forget that carving set you inherited from Nana. This is a time to show your loved ones that the Pilgrims had nothing on you when it comes to resourcefulness.
I recommend a Stihl electric chainsaw. The beauty of electric over gas is that there are no annoyingly noxious fumes. Use caution to avoid dragging the power cord through the cranberry sauce. Small price to pay for quiet elegance. Hey, who wants a leg?
Now that you’ve successfully managed Thanksgiving it’s time to turn your full attention to the pursuit of the perfect gifts. We won’t deal with that here; we’re going to continue to ride this train completely off the rails.
We begin in Australia. Ever seen a cane toad? They are big. They are memorable. They were never intended to be purses. But they are.
I don’t know how much they cost. If you are that interested you can go here to find out. I’m sorry I brought it up.
I’m not sure that can be topped but let’s turn over another rock and see what we find.
Three Olives Root Beer flavored vodka. I’ve always insisted that drinking is not for amateurs. If you are going to imbibe at least be smart about it. I’m not sure this meets that test. But if you need a gag gift this certainly should do that.
That seems like a good ending point. Thank you for your calm patience. The Princess will return when her credit cards have burnt to a crisp. Now please sit back and enjoy the musical ramblings of The Amboy Dukes and I’ll return soon.